glitterkari
Words flow through my head as if they were pouring into my glass. I only with they would pour just as gracefully and purposefully. I know that every one would be better off with out me. I'm the one the bridges the gap, however, in my case, it is not for the good. I seem to be the opposite of what every one needs or wants. Why am I suddenly a charity case? He stays because he's happy? No; he stays because its what is good for him. I am the one who is nice. Who is a "good mother." Ask the kids and I am a monster. I am......just nothing. I am useless. I have no joy in life. Why would I want to hold them back from what they could be. That means splitting up the kids and letting them live completely different lives. Separate. I continue to refill my glass, to feel anything at all. It's just pain inside. And even when I look inside and it's empty. Empty glass, empty bottle.
I feel as if I am literally just one single person; with no connection to the real world. Every one has their place, has their reason of being, has their own decisions to act upon.....but somehow I do not. I am just a single person yet I feel every thing and every one that surrounds me decides everything for me. I do not get a choice, or a voice, or an opinion. It's just my life for everyone else. I just have to accept it. I realize that it's been my previous decisions that lead me to this life. Was I ever happy? Probably not. Probably never. I don't even think I know what "happy" is. I know what it feels to cry and be sad, and most of the time I feel this without knowing why. Perhaps, it is the lack of voice to speak the truth. I do not have the words to give reason. I feel defeated in everything I do. Is that why those around me have decided my fate? They do not see me capable of leading my own life. I should know better. But what troubles me the most is it is not one direction they attempt to lead me. I guess they are giving me a choice after all; however, I find it quite evil for me to make a choice like this. I just want it to go away. I want to go away. Every one would be happier. No one would have to worry about me. No more decisions made for me. My choice. My choice only.
Ever since I was little, I was always told what the "right" thing was. I rarely ever was told of other options. it was one way or another. As I've gotten older, more experienced in life, I know for a fact that there are so many other ways. I was so scared of what would happen if I didn't stay on track. I feared failure, of being derailed. Now, I can't say that I fully embrace failure, because it is the worst feeling; however, I can say that I have learned to embrace the fact that I can take failure as a lesson, or I can take it and forever dwell on it. After my own personal derailing, it was difficult to see the bigger picture. It was like it was the end of a map. As if it was not a map of the world, or even the state, but it was just of the city. I really had to open it up further to see all other directions I could take. I was not stuck on these two tracks. There were twists and turns and hills and tunnels, lefts and rights. I know now that my life is not a "right" way and a "wrong" way. I can make my decisions by feeling. It was so hard to open that heavy door to get out of the box. I took a leap, tumbled down but got back up. Not every one can fit onto one train. Not every one ends up in the same place. And not every one came from the same place. This is what make every person so unique. Regardless of my doubts and my guilt, I can see that I finally took the right train; now I need to find the right tools to detach the cargo that weighs me down. Free, from my caboose.
I often crave the cold weather. I reminds me of snow, getting cozy next to the fireplace, hot cocoa and cuddling up with the softest thing in my closet. That one item has become a staple in many closets; it used to just be something that my dad and brother wore. However, I am now saddened by the thought. The world right now is not what it used to be and insomnia is at its worst. As I still crave the cold weather, I cringe at wanting fire. Something that was once so beautiful, peaceful and serine is now being destroyed by what I used to be memorized by. Irony also at its best. How can I sleep? How can I pretend that it's all OK? It's not; I just want to mourn the loss of the one place I felt my happiest. Perhaps, I need to do just that. I have held back tears for so many meaningless occasions because of self pride......sometimes, not so meaningless. Why do I hide my emotions? I feel judged. I feel weakness. I feel pain. I hate all of that. I feel so helpless. It's only fair, when the world is drowning and burning, I am sleepless with them. They are not alone; we all suffer in the end.
My life has started over. In a way, this can happen to someone many times over their lifetime.I do not believe that you just live just one life and then its over. You go through so many stages, and periods of growth where you live many lives. You are never the same person because of everything you learn and overcome. I am sure not one person can tell me that they are the same person from when they were in elementary school.....or even high school. How many people you become, how much you grow, what you decide to learn from is all up to you, and only you. It's a choice you make. Who you let into your life is probably one of the toughest choices to make. They can be the breaking point for you or they can turn your life around for the good. And you'll never know for sure what that person will be for you till it's too late. But what a learning experience it will be. This next chapter for me is one I've been through before, but now with a different person. This person has changed my life; they've made the biggest impact that I never expected. The greatest thing you can do is open up your heart to someone, and with them doing the same, you not only create life together but a new life emerges. My life has started over.
I am not the same woman I was five years ago. Obviously none of us are the same after such time has passed. I somehow managed to pull myself from the worst possible place I could think of for myself and turn it all around. Unfortunately, I end up back in that dark place again. It is all in my own head; these feelings that I can seem to shake: undeserving, unworthy, unintelligent, un-pretty.....the list goes on. I lose self respect and I just fall into depression. The worst of it is, I will had a single tiny window where I can gain it all back. However, there is always a catch. Most of the time that tiny window requires help. Why would anyone help someone like me? How can anyone hold so much hate for themselves? I don't deserve happiness. My happiness belongs to my children and for that I make sacrifices. Tears are a small price to pay for two precious miracles. That leaves my only hope is that they, in the end, will have respect for me.
Growing up we are given this idea that we will end up happily ever after; that we will find the love of our life and everything just falls into place perfectly. Why? Is this a good enough reason to motivate us and give hope that one day everything will work out? I think for most of us it doesn't. And when it doesn't then we are forced to continue to search and seek that "thing" that we have been searching our whole lives for. Hope keeps us moving forward and I quite honestly believed it for a moment. After life shoving one down into dirt over and over...and over again, I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Sadly for me, I had already lived one life and while starting a new one with another, it has only proven to cause even more hardship. Torn between love and life. Stupid love for lying to me again! Alas, its never Love's fault, is it? Sure the saying goes, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." It's always me. Love is only a fantasy, and we all know fairy-tales to be a form of fantasy. As much as I wish to believe in a fairy-tale, it is not real. However, I am still at loss of what to do. Somehow I feel as if life is repeating itself again and I as stuck deciding between the same two fucking questions. Should I stay, or should I go? Regardless of the situation being completely different than the other, it remains the same level of difficulty; maybe more, but, maybe less. My heart and my head could never see clearly. I guess the bigger question really is: what is real? Is love real? Or rather an idea made up to give hope? And what is hope anyway? Seems like just another one of those "ideas" that force us to believe something that will never be; something to keep us moving forward......to keep working......to keep living. But really, what's the point? If everything we have ever know to be real is false, then what are we living for?
Some days, as I reflect all the things i have done in my life, I feel I have held so much back. i have not been able to pin point the reasons why I never allowed myself to do certain things or act a certain way, or even wear certain things. Most likely, I feared being judged. by whom, I am unsure of. What I am sure of is I do not want people to think poorly of me. Thinking about it now it seems silly but still I fear it. I like these people, who ever they are, to see that I have made good choices; that I was a good person. However, when reminded of my bad choices, it's a punch to the ego. I question every decision I have ever made on my own, so when someone else does that for me, especially those I love, it hurts me. Why is it so wrong to want to do things "by the book"? It took me so long to accept myself with the title of Single Mom, or Divorcee. But deep down it was never something I ever expected, wanted or have come to terms with. I failed. Maybe it was because I cut a few corners on the way but I did my best. I remained sheltered, I didn't allow myself to fall into temptation. I guess that is what I keep telling myself. It's the only way I can look in the mirror. It never works out the way you hope, though. The past remains in your presence and your future; and its the number one reason why no one wants you.
So much of our lives rely on something to turn, to spin or rotate. However you see it move it will always do just that. Move. Now, you have two options on how you look at this. You can see it as an opportunity or you can see it as an advantage. No matter how you want to see it, it will still move. Regardless of what you want it to do, it will still move. The universe is out of your hands and what is meant to be, will be. Much like that of the mirror ball that reflects the spotlight at the roller rink. Even that damned rink forces you to be trapped in a rotation. However, it was a choice and every choice has a consequence. You knew very well that the rink would suck you in like a tornado, yet, you let it. You knew that you would find joy in the endless cycle. Perhaps it brought back memories from childhood of someone taking you by the hands and spinning you as fast as they could. Trusting they would not let you slip out of their hands. It only took one time for them to let you slip before you would ever let them have another try. There is always joy in the unexpected. At times, there is more joy to be found there. Like the first attempt at a margarita. Maybe it was took much alcohol or not enough, but it was that blender that memorized you for a brief moment. Its that feeling you crave. The whirlwind effect or downward spiral. Its something that no one can run from but they must make a choice. They can let it drag them down or.....they can dance with it.
I leaned my back against a tree to make sure they didn't see me; I kept my distance. Although I could not see them up ahead of me, I knew they were there. I wondered so much what "they" were or even "who" they are. My eyes searched the ground to see where they've gone. I found nothing. Maybe a tree branch has broken or they left a fragment of clothing. I just needed something, anything, to tell me where they were headed. Then finally, I saw what I needed. North. I began to cautiously run full speed. I needed to catch them. I needed to know where they were going. Who they were. I heard a voice. I froze behind a bush but my eyes wondered. Squinting into the sunlight I could see a shadow. I crept closer making sure I stayed low. I suddenly realized they were right there. As if I were back to back with them. I could feel them. Could they possibly feel me as well? This overwhelming fright came over me, but somehow, I felt complete. As if my soul was filled with warmth. What is happening? Who did I find? I knew I had to let this fear drop and face them. Only a tree separates us, and as if they knew exactly what was going through my mind, we both came out from the tree. My eyes widened and my mouth dropped. The only thing that could come from my mouth was "Oh my God." The feeling that took over my body was so unexplainable that I knew I had to be dreaming. This person should not be in front of me. This person, whom I chased through the woods, whom I just needed to find. Goosebumps began to cascade down my body, from head to toe. I finally wrapped my head around my reality. This person, was who I needed to find all along. This person was the answer to all my questions. This person was who I have been searching for all my life. They are finally right there in front of me. I began to cry. There was no other feeling but love filling me with warmth. This person, was me.
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