lauriereyes
I'm going to go drown myself.
In history. In memories. Not in cowardice, but in guts. In pins and needles. In hunger. Not in sleep, but in pain.
And most definitely not in words. Because although as hard as I try to keep words as a separate entity, the modern belief is that it is attached to emotion. That is where trouble begins.
Goodbye, creative writing. May you forever rest in the confines of my notebooks, never to be seen by the public eye ever again.
Today, OneWord.com gave me the word "heartache". Of course it would be "heartache", just when I came here to write about anything else so I could get my mind off of you. Our lives are complicated now, everything carries more weight than it did when we were younger, but I can't promise that you will one day leave my mind. Especially now that things are over with the person you were infatuated these past five years, while I was infatuated with you, I can't help wonder about us now, even though there is no "us" or no fragment of anything remotely close to an "us". I got past that infatuation stage, and I was in love with you at one point. Although I am not in love with you anymore, and chances are I will never be with you, I will always love you. Always. And that causes more heartache than anything.
Set your dreams on fire and then fight to keep them alive with all your being. If you fail, the burns on your hand will remind you how hard you tried and the ambition in your eyes will remind you to try and try again.
When it's rainy outside, and the clouds hang over me, breathing on my shoulder, I feel dreary. I feel burdened. I feel more weight is put upon me, just like clothes feel heavier when they are damp. Single sheets of paper and lone feathers do not float to the ground when they are wet; they drop with no resistance to gravity just like most other objects. My eyes feel the need to close, since the back of my eyelids do not look that much different from the sky outside. There is nothing to do but sleep the day away. Come tomorrow, I will wake up and feel as light as a feather. The problems will be dried up and gone just like the rain.
I wish I could capture time, more than just in a measly photograph. I want to capture it and play with it over and over again, relieve the moments that I treasure with every inch of my being. Then, time would not control me. It would not tell me when to grow up and grow old, it would not tell me that the day is through and that it is time for goodbye, it would not tell me that everything is momentary and eventually going to leave. But, alas, time escapes me, and I cannot escape it.
Falling is such a scary thing, whether it be from height or love, and I know that one day I will experience both at the same time. My heart dangles from a string, but slowly all these feelings of pain and heartache inside will build up and make it feel so heavy. One day there will be too much weight for the string to handle and it will snap and fall, and I'd hope that you'll be the one that catches my heart before it hits the ground.
I was told once that "history repeats itself". What can I do to make sure this isn't so? Every step I take seems to be repetitive, every person I meet seems to remind me of someone from the past. It's a pattern, a cycle--it's life--I was fucked over before and I'm over it now but sometimes all I can think about is that line:
"History repeats itself."
Isn't this nice? Sitting here with each others' company? Flirting as if we just met and thought the other was cute? Simplicity at its finest.
You don't get it, you don't have a clue. I'm trying to save us. The closer we get to the ultimate expression of love, while I am not yet "in love" with you, the farther I feel I want to get away from you.
I'm not ready. I cannot voice this feeling. There are no words for it. Please listen to my body language. I don't want to do this.
"You should have met me a year ago."
No, I like how you are now. If this is your transition period, if you are in the process of adopting a viewpoint on relationships completely opposite than what you used to have, I am glad I caught you in the middle of it. I am glad we talked today. I am glad I was able to voice the fears that have been eating at my mind and keeping me up at night. No one is perfect so you do not need to wish you were, because you're enough of what I need and that is perfect enough for me.
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