loicamar
i know that it's the right thing for both of us and that neither of us is in a position to be in a relationship right now but i'm so broken up about it--broken up. ha. anyway, malice. there's no malice behind any of it, but it doesn't help to make me feel any less alone. i don't belong to anyone, my heart is heavy as an oil drum.
There is an hour and a half left until my birthday. It's 10:34pm, so I won't actually turn 19 until 2:07am. I still have three hours or so. 18 is just melting away. I've really liked being 18. I did a lot of stuff. Checked off a lot of things. I deserve good things. I think I like myself after all.
The executives, in their grey suits and white collared shirts, sat in a row along the table facing me. I knew my days were numbered, but there was no need for this disgusting irony. That I should sit in rags while they sat in silk was an intolerable injustice, and for that, I will not go down without a fight.
I read this as intimate, so that's what I'm going to write about. I think I have problems with intimacy. I think I get way too attached way too early, or I just don't get attached at all. I want what I can't have, and I want everyone to love me and want me. I think it's a problem.
I heard someone say once "but hey if you don't have a thigh gap, that means you're that much closer to being a mermaid!" and I laughed, because that's such a nice way of looking at it, and then I continued to starve myself for the rest of the day.
sometimes even when it's warm my fingers are cold. i came up with a cool phrase AND NO YOU CAN'T USE IT IT'S MINE which is "as blue as chilly fingers." i always write down nice neat little phrases i think of. i have a looooong note on my phone that's so long that sometimes when i try to scroll all the way through and read the whole thing my phone freezes up AND I BROUGHT IT FULL CIRCLE HELL YEAH
I often feel that sense of stillness creep in not when I'm alone, but when I'm with someone I like very much. I begin to worry that things have become too steady. I've always been scared of permanence. I worry that I'm trapped in a situation because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
The memories are just memories now. I'm listening to the short recording of us singing our duet– it was only a few months ago. Three, maybe four. But it's so far gone now. I can so clearly remember the day we made this recording, but now the perfect notes, though they still go together, ring hollow for me.
The doors slid closed and my smile spread. Score one for me this time.
My life is broken into three sections: the Before, the During, and the After.
In the Before, I was slowly losing hope. I was in pain. But I was also oddly innocent.
In the During, I was blissful. I was incredulous. I was happier than I have ever been.
Now, in the After, I have lost hope. I am constantly in pain. I am no longer innocent.
I sometimes wonder if the During shouldn't have happened at all, because in the Before, this pain wasn't so very final as it is now.
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