pvreillvsion
I hear it every day It’s in my head
Like a melody or a song you can’t forget
It lingers like a whisper from a friend
Or the credits at the end
Of a movie you wish you could forget
You’re the worst it says
I’ll never forgive you it says
Why are you still here it says
Hopelessly hopeless I feel
I no longer reply
I’m too tired To play
You’ve won you’ve beat me
There’s no where to go
You found all my love
And you took it away
Now I feel so alone
I use to feel secure in the religious blanket my mother covered us with as children. When I began to have my own ideas I thought there was no way a being in the sky could rule over the entire existence. Now I can't help but feel the energy there. The unspoken words and incomprehensible warmth of love. Although I cannot doubt the presence I can't help but still feel lonely. I know there's darkness inside of me. I wish I knew how to fight it. I know he's given me the tools to fight it I just can't figure out if I'm in denial or I'm lost.
The buddah is so full of joy. He seems to have no regret or sadness. He sits content with his demise. He sits there perhaps laughing at everyone at how worried we are at the little things. At nothing.
walking had always been more difficult than sticking a needle through my bare flesh. id rather stare at the blood race down my dry neglected skin a thousand times and stare as my dna traces my every outline and watch it seep through the indents and the pores. a visible mark to prove to those around me that i am alive not a demerit. while you watch with that naked eye asking me to abide to the rules that you inherit. how well did i know that i was alive. time passed me by & the blood became dark and dry, didn't i realize that this was not for me, the sunshine, i mean. each step as loud as a drum when i hear the sound of your tongue burn words through my wounded flesh, im asking you to look through this stereotype of a mental illness that seems to possess my thoughts as i swim through this lagoon you call a pond while i try to fish for my sanity with a net. although it might be bigger than anette the whale. im struggling.. can't you tell.
things were going too slow,
it felt as if everything was shattering
around me into pieces
in flashes of images
i couldn't control my scenery
i asked what you could do for me
you said close your eyes and wait
you said all i had to do was sleep
our hands met our eyes followed
suddenly summer led to fall
we walked through the rest of the week
briskly lightly it didn't really matter to me
our focus turned from the sun to the leaves
summer was over and autumn was more than near
and your voice was all i could hear even
with the colors all around us we forgot that seasons change
and people do too
and then she kicked 'em all out, except for one
I wonder if she knows what its like to have fun
I guess i'll just sit here and pretend I didn't see
and then process it all like I am she & she is me
now i'm just being silly, all i crave is your
A tt (ff) E (c) n TION
She craved one thing more than anything else
She craved it more than she craved possessions
She knew not what it was or where to find it
She looked and she looked but it seemed to be a pointless
She locked herself in her room and took all her cats with her
And as much as she might have disliked me I was the only one who understood how deep the wound would get
when you crave affection so much you have to
hurt yourself instead
soon you'll disappear and you'll have face them
no matter how invisible you think you are your fear won't
help you evade them
if you manage to escape like a rock you'll be forever frozen
but you'll never escape earth's erosion
there's no use in hiding
run, run deep into the woods and wait for the foot soldiers
a stampede will devour your insides
it's a part of corrosion
swim, swim further down into the ocean
pursue you they will, no matter the sacrifice
they're here to wage a war against your nature
they want to know if you can fight back
will the curvature of your spin change
will it reverberate
they're here to spill your blood, find out what you lack
there's no need to capture you or your body
your anatomy they don't desire
they want your mind and your thoughts
after all you're a liar
listen close you might her them sing
a story they'll tell, but you won't hear the ending
the choir will know but you will continue guessing
"im here to devour you, what will you do
run, swim, crawl, walk it won't make a difference
i'll find you, i'll hunt you
i'll mask myself as more than an acquaintance"
has it ever occurred to you that what im saying might all be nonsense
i stay because i want to be a part of it all when it collapses
i had not expected much
that day
i didn't care at all if the sky
was gray
i jumped out and began to plummet
into a place no one knows
is sad and full of no hope
did i have a parachute or would i fall
into a world that wont let you stand tall
the scale is unbalance and im trying my hardest
the scale is unbalanced has anyone noticed
i ignore the scale because it tells me im not okay
but what can i do when theres no where to run away
the scale whispers its all your fault
the scale whispers its not in the stars
but what can i do where theres no where go
i ask the scale if theres anything i can do
the scale tells me i need to balance it out
i know all of the answers but my desires are deep
deep inside of my core and i want to tear them apart
load more entries
writing since 2012 · 47 entries · 43 days shown up
each square is a day—lit means Lola showed up.
4longest streak
43days written
0.2entries / week
the words Lola reaches for
insidelongersometimesbodyescapeeyesheadheartillscalehappywatchfallpedestalfacesimply