pvreillvsion

pvreillvsion

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worst

I hear it every day It’s in my head Like a melody or a song you can’t forget It lingers like a whisper from a friend Or the credits at the end Of a movie you wish you could forget You’re the worst it says I’ll never forgive you it says Why are you still here it says Hopelessly hopeless I feel I no longer reply I’m too tired To play You’ve won you’ve beat me There’s no where to go You found all my love And you took it away Now I feel so alone

I use to feel secure in the religious blanket my mother covered us with as children. When I began to have my own ideas I thought there was no way a being in the sky could rule over the entire existence. Now I can't help but feel the energy there. The unspoken words and incomprehensible warmth of love. Although I cannot doubt the presence I can't help but still feel lonely. I know there's darkness inside of me. I wish I knew how to fight it. I know he's given me the tools to fight it I just can't figure out if I'm in denial or I'm lost.

The buddah is so full of joy. He seems to have no regret or sadness. He sits content with his demise. He sits there perhaps laughing at everyone at how worried we are at the little things. At nothing.

walking had always been more difficult than sticking a needle through my bare flesh. id rather stare at the blood race down my dry neglected skin a thousand times and stare as my dna traces my every outline and watch it seep through the indents and the pores. a visible mark to prove to those around me that i am alive not a demerit. while you watch with that naked eye asking me to abide to the rules that you inherit. how well did i know that i was alive. time passed me by & the blood became dark and dry, didn't i realize that this was not for me, the sunshine, i mean. each step as loud as a drum when i hear the sound of your tongue burn words through my wounded flesh, im asking you to look through this stereotype of a mental illness that seems to possess my thoughts as i swim through this lagoon you call a pond while i try to fish for my sanity with a net. although it might be bigger than anette the whale. im struggling.. can't you tell.

brisk

things were going too slow, it felt as if everything was shattering around me into pieces in flashes of images i couldn't control my scenery i asked what you could do for me you said close your eyes and wait you said all i had to do was sleep our hands met our eyes followed suddenly summer led to fall we walked through the rest of the week briskly lightly it didn't really matter to me our focus turned from the sun to the leaves summer was over and autumn was more than near and your voice was all i could hear even with the colors all around us we forgot that seasons change and people do too

and then she kicked 'em all out, except for one I wonder if she knows what its like to have fun I guess i'll just sit here and pretend I didn't see and then process it all like I am she & she is me now i'm just being silly, all i crave is your A tt (ff) E (c) n TION

She craved one thing more than anything else She craved it more than she craved possessions She knew not what it was or where to find it She looked and she looked but it seemed to be a pointless She locked herself in her room and took all her cats with her And as much as she might have disliked me I was the only one who understood how deep the wound would get when you crave affection so much you have to hurt yourself instead

soon you'll disappear and you'll have face them no matter how invisible you think you are your fear won't help you evade them if you manage to escape like a rock you'll be forever frozen but you'll never escape earth's erosion there's no use in hiding run, run deep into the woods and wait for the foot soldiers a stampede will devour your insides it's a part of corrosion swim, swim further down into the ocean pursue you they will, no matter the sacrifice they're here to wage a war against your nature they want to know if you can fight back will the curvature of your spin change will it reverberate they're here to spill your blood, find out what you lack there's no need to capture you or your body your anatomy they don't desire they want your mind and your thoughts after all you're a liar listen close you might her them sing a story they'll tell, but you won't hear the ending the choir will know but you will continue guessing "im here to devour you, what will you do run, swim, crawl, walk it won't make a difference i'll find you, i'll hunt you i'll mask myself as more than an acquaintance" has it ever occurred to you that what im saying might all be nonsense i stay because i want to be a part of it all when it collapses

i had not expected much that day i didn't care at all if the sky was gray i jumped out and began to plummet into a place no one knows is sad and full of no hope did i have a parachute or would i fall into a world that wont let you stand tall

scale

the scale is unbalance and im trying my hardest the scale is unbalanced has anyone noticed i ignore the scale because it tells me im not okay but what can i do when theres no where to run away the scale whispers its all your fault the scale whispers its not in the stars but what can i do where theres no where go i ask the scale if theres anything i can do the scale tells me i need to balance it out i know all of the answers but my desires are deep deep inside of my core and i want to tear them apart

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writing since 2012 · 47 entries · 43 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Lola showed up.

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on this day 13 years ago

Lola wrote about gallery
“display me like they do in the myriads of galleries but never show them my face show them what i look like when i cry but never show them my face show them what i look like when i feel like im d…”

the words Lola reaches for

insidelongersometimesbodyescapeeyesheadheartillscalehappywatchfallpedestalfacesimply