temp101
Gathering in the staffroom, for cake, kind words, and hugs. Another success story, another good day, another moment in life to cherish. I look around and take it in; you see I have been suffering, struggling, sinking into a depression. I have been here before, but I will never go so far again, I know the value of life, and I will not leave it.
While I glance from smiling face to smiling face, I try and 'be in the moment' and appreciate all that there is. It is not a perfect workplace, it is a little large, many of us, myself included, do not know the woman we are celebrating today.
She says "She loves us and is grateful to have us".
Then I see it, her struggle too. As she hugs another colleague, I see the healing cuts, made a deeper red from her excitement. Scar tissue shines, and I see that she is just like me in that she struggles to see the value of life. In that struggle, when you do not want to leave, it is that guilt of the desire that is slowly killing us. I want to ask her: how long, if she has help, if I can help... but I know that if I do she will know that I know and my fear holds me back because shame, guilt and loathing can kill.
Don't have a glass to bring you up.
A drunken mess- I wish that was not something to aspire to.
Get drunk off love- off emotion- off life.
Then have a glass to bring you back down, not to falsely bring you up.
NEVER, EVER, EVER use and absolute!
Once I dined in decadence on a date night that seems so far in the past and in a location so foriegn to me now. In a restaurant who's walls were tastefully covered in Rembrant paintings cleverly lite. Candles adorn the tables in victorian holders of silver and gold with cloths under lay with ivory embroidery.
Stalling.
Resistance to start.
Dreaming of completion.
Fighting with commencement.
Resistance to start.
Unable to concentrate.
Fighting with commencement.
Is it fear or apathy?
Unable to concentrate.
Dreaming of completion.
Is it fear or apathy?
Stalling.
My life is far from severe, I am up at 6:45am (ideally) and down at 10:45 (again, ideally if I wish to experience a life).
A modern life, a life filled with modern issues.
I have been through as much as I expect others have, yet I would not say I truly know what a severe life is. I has been without need. I have been with want, however I would say that even those want have been superficial.
I have seen the severe lives up close and life. Seeing these I still have not eradicated unnecessary desires or stomped out the feeling of being without.
writing since 2014 · 7 entries · 6 days shown up
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severeanotherfarfearbringideallywishmodernstallingresistancedreamingcompletionfightingcommencementunableconcentrate