treyssays

treyssays

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Where did I even go? It's not as morose, the question, not as it used to be. Now I'm moreso staring at the wall, inquisitive expressions casting no shadows, and wondering out loud. Where'd I go? Am I really still interested in being an author or have my dreams turned into minimum wage acceptance and a desire to just exist for a while? Eh.

We only ever took the pledge. No one knew what would happen. No one even thought about it. What do you do when the entire world expects you to destroy it? I was a plague before they recruited me. What do I do now? What do I do now??

i drip into them and take whatever's loose. They belong to me after a few smart laughs, a few good talks. oh, how we both love all the same obscure things, oh how we both seem to be the awkward ones. and then i take them. i take everything they can offer and i warp it into something bad. i make them melt. by the time i'm bored, done with the sex, the smiles, the laughs and the awkwardness, they're not even the same person anymore. and i was never even a person at all.

She held her mouth in proud defiance. No one would heal her. She knew more than anyone that this was the end. This was it. All her life, all the harm done to her, all the begging and pleading, it was over. And all she needed was a nice scented candle and some green tea to end it off with. To give in to it. It was time. She soaked in the heavy red. Oh well. Maybe next time.

It ignites. and everyone around can finally tell just how horrible he really was. all those lives, tossed at the center of such a glowing blaze. all those lives. he was just another person in my life. another victim turning regular old folks into victims. but i watched that blaze with a sadness that no one else will ever feel. not in a million years. it hurts to love the monster, doesn't it??

A new low. I thought of the boy who had to raise himself, had to love himself, had to deal all by himself because mommy left. And he didn't know what mommy knew, just that it was just him. and when she came back, there were walls. there were doors slightly ajar, but she just didn't have the strength to push them open. and when they closed, she only blamed herself. but it was never about her. always about him.

past

and every day I feel something different. it catches up, the smiles, the laughter, all the good that i overlooked. why now? why when i'm trying my best to let it drift off into nothingness is everything invoking smiles and random revelries? I wanted them so bad...I hope it never happens again...

under

little things bite at me. i find myself enthralled when someone doesn't like me, need me, appreciate me. it gets under my skin and hurts me. it ends certain parts of me. and i thought this was over. i thought that was so high school horror story, wishing everyone would crowd around me with smiles instead of malice. but there's always that one person who rips into me and destroys my peace. always.

soon

I hoped it wouldn't come to this. That we'd forget one another, that the skies over our heads would grow dimmer and dimmer until we couldn't tell who was where. But it's a lot to ask, huh? When you want someone so much that your bones break at the thought of them forgetting you. So I'll wait for you there. And I'll see you soon.

soon

She waited. Pondering what life could be like without the faint musk of failure trailing behind her, rendering her useless. And it wasn't clear, no, it never really had been. But she knew it wasn't another person she needed. Not another job. No, what she needed was a new life. Her next turn. And she'd get it. Soon.

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writing since 2012 · 56 entries · 53 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Trey showed up.

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53days written

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on this day 14 years ago

Trey wrote about event
“things have always moved forward. in some way, they're always going. and even with all the horrible occurrences and events, I feel things shifting into a lighter mood. But it hurts, even just the sli…”

the words Trey reaches for

nowlovedarricksometimesunderstandheadanymoresmilesanotherstupidotherstryingrealbehindsmileboring