ashmangus
I used to make recordings when I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to. They're all really creepy because they're things I would never tell anyone and I was always really upset. Upset about the world, upset about things I couldn't change. But I haven't done one of those in a really long time, which makes me feel pretty good now that I'm thinking back on that..
A standup guy. Standup comedy. Those two things aren't very interrelated. What makes a standup person? I can imagine what my parents would think a "standup person" is, but on my own terms, that feels hard to imagine. Maybe it's the guy I dumped just last week :/ but it wasn't right.
Maybe what I really want to do is start a cult? A humanitarian cult. This is the thing I think about all the time. I think about inspiring others to follow in the fashion of taking care of each other. It seems like such a basic, easy concept that we've somehow lost touch with, sooo... I think it could be an easy win.
My son was eating an apple today as we went for a midday walk; he's four and wanted to bring it with him in case he got hungry. He asked for a bite and he was so stingy! Finally, he relented. I'm actually not the greatest at eating fruit, especially for someone who insists my child eat it by the handful. When I took that first bite, it was unbelievably delicious--it was as if I had forgotten. I really should eat more fruit. And drink more water. C'mon, Ash.
I want our global society to experience real nourishment, and then to prioritize it. I want to nourish my son, and I know the only real way I can do that is by nourishing myself. I'm not really sure I wouldn't nourish myself the way I should without him. I'd love to be that person, but I like getting to be this, too.
"Domestic" is the adjective I was running from when I left Jett's dad. Or maybe I just didn't want that kind of domestic. I didn't just want things. It wasn't fulfilling. I wanted to be me, moderately wild and passionate. I wanted to be that kind of mother. I'm my kind of domestic now, and I love it. So glad I made it.
I've only ever liked to compete with myself, becoming better and better than I was the day before. I see the beauty in competition between others and the way they help each other grow... sometimes I envy those relationships, but I can also see the distance it creates. Maybe I'll try to pick up one of those somewhere along the way. Right now, I compete with me.
I think too much without knowing what to think. Thinking about everything and nothing and going nowhere.
I have a wall in front of me. White with nothing hanging from it. Wall reminds me that of the last time I did this whole "one word" thing. I forgot you only had 60 seconds, so I barely wrote anything. And I'm so glad that all that I did with my time this time, was talk about how awful the last time was. Wall.
I suppose the first thing I think about is operating systems on computers. But that's not very interesting. There's also nervous systems. I think of different processes. Rawr, systems.