chorusesunrehearsed
this heart.
laden with the pain of each unspoken whisper.
heavy with the ache of each broken promise.
it's always the silence that hurts the most.
silence so loud that it suffocates.
"pack your bags. we're going on our roadtrip."
immediately, i'm ten years old again. we're young again. we scream and run and jump and love without a care. without fear. without worry. without boundaries. the sky is ours for the taking. yet, it's getting harder and harder to recall what it was like to be a "me" that i was proud of. that didn't always hide.
let this be a promise that you keep. take me far away. make me remember.
understanding flashed across her eyes, her breathing hitched. "that's why? that's why you're acting this way?" he hesitated before answering. how do you tell the person you love that you can't love yourself enough to want to stay on this planet?
"yes. no. maybe. i don't know! i don't know why i feel this way; like i'm locked in a dark room with no windows and no air, just banging to get out. i don't know why i hate myself. i don't know why i'm not enough. i just don't know."
her throat was full of the tears she was trying to hold back. her vision blurred, but she continued to stare at him straight in the eye. "i know. and i'm sorry. but if you don't want to stay for yourself, stay for me. because i can't be here without you." and then she came at him with such force, and wrapped her arms around him like they were vines, restricting him. forcing him to stay where he was. and he was okay with that.
he bowed his hand, and silently thanked her, because in her arms, everything was better.
my bow sweeps over the strings. attacks them with such force, i'm surprised they don't snap off. my body sways and swoops and soars out of place; out of my present state of mind. i'm absolutely nowhere, hidden in the layers of my mind; and everywhere. all at once. this is omnipresence. this escape, but complete surrender. it renders me speechless.
kiss my cheek, hold my hand, argue with me over furniture. i want our children to remind me of you, to have you hidden in the crevices of their mind. i want us to have telepathy. our own secret language. a way to communicate with our eyes. our hands. i want your hugs to be my home. your heart to be my hearth. i want you as mine, in every essence of the word. i want us to fight and hate and love and take comfort and just live.
i'm in a room, and the walls are barred. i wonder if you know you've locked me in. unknowingly, unconsciously, i'm in here for as long as you'll have me.
but mistakes are made everyday. i'm human. and as much as the thought of hurting you kills me, it locks me in this room. i wonder how long my freedom will be at stake.
i wonder how long i'll be trapped.
writing since 2011 · 6 entries · 6 days shown up
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the words Megan reaches for
lovestayroomwondermindlockedholdhandhiddeneyeshearthateforceyourselfarmsharder