erinlouisee

erinlouisee

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We keep to ourselves And we have this crazy idea That we all know how to fix ourselves Because deep down We are all broken And we are all left trying To find all the pieces And put them together ourselves

I so often see the flaws in myself and in my personality. I know what the solutions are, and how I can fix myself. Yet, I choose to stay the person I am, rather than turning into the person I can become. I don't always understand how it is that people change for the better, I always feel like I am simply getting worse.

forth

The tree swayed back and forth as I climbed higher into its branches. It had been a long time since I had felt so free. The wind played with my hair, the cold bit at my bare feet, now scraped and dirty, and my heart was pounding in my chest as my lungs happily struggled to bring in air. It was a feeling of release.

teeth

Teeth clenched and collar turned up around my neck, I turned to face the wind. I had never felt so alone than I had that day. Maybe it was the bare branches of the trees, the fallen leaves now dead and crisp at their bases, or the vacant streets with sirens in the distance. We haven't spoken in a while, and I think that creates the splinter of loneliness stuck under my skin. There until I decide it's time to remove it myself.

Charged with emotions and never ending thoughts, she began to spill out her mind into a painting. There was simply not enough canvas.

He stood by the entrance reading a book. As I walked in, he looked up at me and smiled It was the kind of smile where you could tell that he didn't think much of himself. The kind that revealed he had a kind heart. That if you were walking down the street carrying a bunch of papers and you happened to drop them all over the sidewalk, he would help you pick up every last one. And then he went back to reading his book, in polite silence.

bury

I bury may face in my pillow and heave one more sob. Then, I get up, splash some water from the faucet onto my face, and stare at myself in the mirror for a minute. "Nothing is wrong, just let it all go," I think to myself. I gather my things and make my way to the door, closing it quietly behind me.

upper

We sat in the upper level of the train. My legs outstretched over your knees as the car rattled along the tracks. It was not a long trip, but just long enough for you to doze off. And I stared out the window wondering what a future with you could be like.

gone

I threw all of my clothes into the suitcase that lay open on my bed. I would be gone by noon, without a word to Eric or Sylvia. They had their own issues to worry about, I needed to finally sort out all mine. Though Sylvia had said I was welcome as long as I needed, I had always felt like a burden. I wasn't sure how long I'd be away, just that I needed to be. Away, that is. On the next train to the city.

wet

Rain drops rested on the glass, obscuring the world as it quickly passed by outside my window. If only I had time to stop and breathe it all in for a while.

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writing since 2012 · 12 entries · 11 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means e.l.a. showed up.

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on this day 14 years ago

e.l.a. wrote about bury
“I bury may face in my pillow and heave one more sob. Then, I get up, splash some water from the faucet onto my face, and stare at myself in the mirror for a minute. "Nothing is wrong, just let it all…”

the words e.l.a. reaches for

faceourselvesfreshbitairlungsstreetsraincitystreetcoldwindowsylviatrainreadingbook