ifonearth
I didn't do it. I swear. I wasn't even there. Ask her. Ask anyone. Except I did do it, didn't I? Somehow, some way. It wasn't supposed to be like this. That girl isn't me. That girl who acted so selfishly, foolishly. You think I'm like that. You think that she's who I am—that one act, defining me.
I walk into the room and look around to see if anyone I know is there. Unexpectedly, I don't know anyone there. I wander over to one corner of the room and sit down, lost in my own thoughts.
A few minutes later, someone walks over and stands next to me. I look up to see one of my closest friends standing there. Was he there this whole time? I'd better get it together.
Back to the beginning.
You remember this. The first steps, the building blocks. Take it one move at a time. You remember how difficult this once seemed—once was? It's easy now, isn't it? You've moved on, learned more, gotten better.
And now—now it's second nature. You're ready.
Dangling. Swinging.
The chink of metal hitting metal.
She sat there singing to herself. "Just imagine…" Where did that song come from, anyway? YouTube, probably. That's where it all comes from, isn't it? But it's a good song. She liked the message, and continued humming. "If you imagine, we can come together and create a new beginning and and end…" Was that true? Could we? "Just imagine, and it can happen…" If only, if only. She wasn't sure she believed that one. "Just imagine we could live our favorite melodies; just imagine and everyone will believe…" She loved the song, yes. Still loves it, really. But did she believe the words she sang? Could she?
I signed online. It was just a normal day. I didn't have any expectations of the out of the ordinary. Not that day. I signed on Facebook, predictably. Found that I was tagged in a note. Written about someone's mother. Who had passed away several years back. Somehow, that was touching. I didn't know I was in that person's inner circle to that extent. I was stunned to find that out.
I sat by the river that day. I wasn't sure how to feel. Numb, I guess. Cold. I'd never had anyone die before. Not when I was younger, no one close to me. I was scared. Felt alone. A grown woman, feeling alone. But no. I wasn't alone. I never was. It just felt that way. But there was some strange solace knowing that the willow behind my back had been through so much, been there for so long, and was still standing in spite of it all.
I had a dream once. You've probably had it, too. I don't even remember all the details of the dream, and I'm not sure it really matters. D'you know what the dream was? My teeth fell out. Which, really, is kind of horrifying to be dreaming. And it's weird, because my dentist just said I was doing better with flossing and taking care of my teeth. But I was spooked. I woke up with my heart racing.
I didn't do it, you know? I mean, maybe I wanted to. Maybe I was tempted to. Maybe it was something that appealed to me. But that doesn't mean I did it. You can't pin this on me. You can't assume I did it, just because I wanted to. Don't pretend you know me, or the situation. That isn't how it went down. I won't admit to doing something I didn't do, no matter how much you may want me to.
writing since 1969 · 10 entries · 10 days shown up
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