katiep
It is difficult to live an honest life. It is much easier to wear a mask that keeps the vulnerable part hidden. But when I cover up my true self, I live in stagnation and status. The only way to find great adventure is to be authentic no matter what the cost.
I want to wade through the swamp of despair and find happiness. I know joy it is somewhere beyond this place, even though I can't see it. My boots get sucked down into the mud and make noises when I pull them free. The swamp tries to hold me, but I will fight to move forward.
Lust has got me in a lot of trouble. For many years I thought that all my passion, intimacy and sexuality has disappeared with age. I was wrong. I met a man who ignited lust in me like a teenager in the first flush of puberty. It got me in a lot of trouble.
I have the morals of a rabbit. Apparently. I'm not sure any more. Once I had an affair when I was married, but the marriage was over and I left as soon as the affair started. Does that make me immoral? Maybe. Or maybe the rules are immoral. Maybe saying we should be monogamous for the whole of our lives is what is immoral?
Antlers are not often seen around here. Probably because there isn't a great demand for deer in Australia. Fortunately I'd say, because the sight of stuffed deer heads with antlers intact on the wall of the games room is a sight I am happy to avoid seeing.
My history is one you wouldn't want to wish on anyone. But luckily, history is in the past. It can be moulded by the things we remember and the things we forget. There is no absolute truth. We can walk away from our history or create a totally new one and no one can question the way we remember our past.
The cells in my body cry out for attention. Too long have I closed my ears and my eyes to what they need. I try to control them through my mind. But it never works.
They call with a language of biology, of tissue and organs. They demand trust in their infinite intelligence -- so I let go and breathe.
If you had asked me to predict my future, I never would have thought it would look like this. Just a year ago I was a completely different person. Different name, different address, different job.
And then he died and nothing has been the same since.
writing since 2011 · 8 entries · 8 days shown up
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differenthistoryimmoraldemandpastrememberantlersgreatdeersightaffairlusttroubleswamplivepredict