msmoon
The sort of thing that gets in the way sometimes, but it's crucial in most situations. It's just embedded in collective consciousness. Impossible to escape in any civilization. It's necessary and impossible and who even knows. Why is this word so had? Man..
It wasn't as though any of it would matter really. That was the thing that had me so weighted down. Sure, I could fill out these little question forums every day, and it wouldn't make any difference. No one cared what the answer to the questions was. Not now. They probably never would. When I left this world, I wouldn't leave that big of a mark on it. Even then, I doubt that anyone would take the time or consideration to go through these things and see what type of a person I really was. It's the downside of being so chill. You move through life so soundlessly, no one ever really notices.
The greatest thing about the darkness was that it lent itself so well to concealing those who had affinity for it. I wasn't one of the strongest or fastest members of our order, but I knew the dark well. It sheltered me from light, violence, and even the sight of others. The bad thing about the darkness was that I had yet to figure out exactly where I was while I moved through it. Sure, I could go anywhere; but, stepping into a shadow on west 76th and then coming out smack dab in the middle of Wellington... that was a bit of a problem. Luckily, no matter where I emerged, I could still hid undetected.
Something was missing. I couldn't quite pin it down, but there was definitely something missing. I just couldn't pin it down... I scanned the vast array of photos that I'd used to line the poster. Messages like 'Don't Forget to Write', 'We'll Miss You!', and 'Never Say Die!' were blocked out in colorful text at the center, with wonderful stamp-bordered photos of all our friends. There was Iza and Barty and Dave. I made sure that Tamy and Trevor were there, even though they weren't really part of our group. There was Thomas and Dale and Stephanie, partying as usual. Did I leave out Claudia? No. No she was right there, glaring over her book. What was missing? Someone was...
oh
Right...
Me.
You. Me. We are mirror images. Identical and yet so very opposite. It's been at the forefront of my mind long before I could even reason and draw up the concept for it. Where I try so hard to maintain my stern countenance, you revel in the madness. Where you try so diligently at showing kindness, I cater always to my own cruel whims. And, sweet sister, I will hate myself until the day I die for all that I've put you through. Because our inverse natures, I know that you'll never stop loving me... my consolation and my curse.
It was this bone-weary feeling that kept me moving. See, I knew. I knew if I let myself stop at all, I'd never move again. As bad as I had it... it wasn't as bad as the boys. They were living under an overpass when I'd found them. Seemed so silly to be angry at them for stealing an empty wallet when they were starving to death. At least their mother had worked herself into the grave before this had happened to them. Mine was either in a drunken stupor or lashing out at me for driving Daddy Dearest away.
My arms hurt. My jaw was raw from the concrete I'd landed on (jaw broke my fall despite the flailing of my arms). I'd jumped out a two story window just to make it to work on time... but I'd rather chew aluminum before I brought my boys some supper. Maternal instincts? Oh hell no. That would require feelings of some sort. No, this was spite. Pure and simple.
Trapped. That's what this is. It started so simply. My Achilles' heel. "You know, if what they say is true, that means that boy is your little brother." And you sure as hell don't leave your brother on a battlefield. So, I turned myself around without so much as thinking of the repercussions, and here I be. I suppose this is their version of handling the situation. See, I can't stay in one place too long or those damn underbellies will come for me, but these folks here won't let me leave. What stings the most... they say I'm someone else's son. Damn if Mama ain't gonna have a fit if she hears that. Not that seein' me as I am right now wouldn't earn a glare that'd freeze the whole damn Bermuda triangle over. Honestly... I almost don't want to leave. Sure, I don't like my hosts too much, but it's be ages since I felt like I had littles to protect... so... here I be. Chained atop this hollow mound. Selene's gonna give me no end of hell for this.
It was a lucky thing that something like sisterhood wasn't a mantel that could just be donned easily. It wasn't as if the girls in the house with whom I shared any blood links were any more 'sisterly' towards me than a bum under a bridge. And I could join a dozen sororities, and still not find one ounce of sisterhood in its hallowed halls. But here, in the forgotten corner of the writing center... I found my sister...and I would cheerfully shank anyone in the face for saying otherwise.
The world was broken... and the place I loved most, suffered the most. This place, deficient though it was had been, had always been precious to me. It was where I learned to be strong. I found my companion here, and we both grew in grace and strength. I learned to bear up against those I loved and loathed here... And now, the very land... it's rent in two, and lush plant life grows where our enemies abound. They dare to lay claim here. Insult to injury. My life seems as though it were a vague dream within a dream. Everything that I felt is so distant from me now... I am severed from myself. And I do not know how to mend what's been broken.
It wasn't the type of place that just anyone could find. Granted. It wasn't Edward's little flower glen or anything. Still, it was mine. I enjoyed it, not because it was dark. Not because it smelled like rain and metal. Not even fore the trees that I'd have to run past as I got there... I loved my secluded little hole, because it was secluded...and mine.
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