tiger95
They look at you
with plastered smiles
and cruel eyes
Pretending to care
Faking unneeded concern
Giving unwanted attention
Their eyes follow you
Never letting you escape out of sight
Suffocating you
And desiring to kill you in your sleep
They're monsters in human flesh
And they're out for your blood
The force of her cruel words slapped me in the face. They made me feel worthless. Those very words spilled from my mother's lips settled in my rib cage, making breathing difficult. How can you call your own child, your own blood a waste of space? Like they never meant anything to you? As if I wasn't worth the 9 months of growing in your belly. Those words were like acid, washing over my flesh and it pained me to even look at her anymore. The woman before me wasn't my sweet tender mother. No, it couldn't be. Before me stood a biter monster, hiding behind the skin of my mother. And if it wasn't, I knew the truth would break me even as I try to believe her body was under someone's control. Even as I felt the sting of her hand on my sensitive cheek, I would keep lying to myself. For her sake, for my sake, for the sake of what remains of our crumbled family.
She seemed so out of reach, but her body was right next to mine. She was near me like always, thighs touching as we drank our soda and watched TV like guys did together on Sundays. The blasting sound of football chatter penetrated the silence, leaving no room for distraction.
Was it wrong for me to want to run my fingers through her blond strands, so soft and straight. Maybe it was, but I didn't care what anyone else would have thought of the action but only her. Would she just take it as a friendly gesture or something else, something I was aching to have. I reach over and my hands play with her hair. She just turns and smiles at me, freckles marring the bridge of her nose. I could hear the rain splattering against the window, glass sprayed with droplets. She turns back to the TV, shouting as her team missed the boy.
She curses and waves her arm, upset and angry but I just can't help but smile. She seems so cute when she's mad, I ruffle her hair and tell her to sit down. She pouts before pink lips curl into a smirk and begins to prank call people. She loves being a trickster and pranking those she loves and hates. Then the moment is ruined as her cell rings. It's her boyfriend again, wasting her time with the frequent "checkups," I swear the dude was a control freak. I went to the fridge and grabbed a beer and chugged it down before heading for the vodka. Why was it that I was so frustrated when I knew nothing could ever happen between us?
She had a boyfriend and I'm single. End of story.
She's straight and I'm not. End of story.
But I didn't want that to be the end, so I kept my feelings to myself even though I just want to grab her and kiss her on the lips, hoping they were as soft as they looked. I wanted to confessed my bottled up emotions of 2 years to her and wished that she would realize what she felt for me. Of course it wouldn't be love but at least some sexual attraction would be nice. I could at least deal with that. One night would be all I need to get everything out.
But she was out of reach as always, no matter how much she claimed that she would always be right beside me. But as a friend or maybe a sister. Damn that word made me cringe when it came to her. I want a lover not a damn sister! I have 2 of them already, I didn't need anymore.
I could see her playing her hair in the distance and I imagined the space between us growing larger. The fact that we were only a hallway away, me being in the kitchen gulping down alcohol without her knowledge as she spoke on the phone, her in the living room with the pizza, soda and a losing football team on screen.
I felt sick. Not from the drink burning my throat but from myself. I had no guts, I was fearful she wouldn't want to be friends if I confessed. What a wuss I was. I made my way back and sat next her her, face slightly flushed from the large amounts of drinks consumed. And you know what made it worse? I wanted more. I needed more to forget the fact she was in a relationship, happy and giddy about her loser boyfriend as always. But I knew if I had drowned myself in liquor, all i would be able to see was green eyes. Her shimmering emerald green orbs that lit up like fireworks when her team made a touchdown.
I smiled at her and leaned against the couch. She had hanged up and now I could go back to pretending it was just me and her in this world. And I could go back to pretending she was my girl and that she knew I loved her even if I knew she didn't. But right now, reality didn't matter, it would catch up later. But it could and would wait until she left my side again to be in the arms of her actual lover. That stupid fucker didn't deserve her. But knowing me, I didn't deserve her either.
writing since 2011 · 3 entries · 3 days shown up
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