ajoriley

ajoriley

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a combination of things have been culminating. I want to scream. Break something. Maybe just have someone notice–really notice. A combination of hurt and hope. It makes for a nice cocktail of overly complicated emotion. I am still broken despite having done so for the better. I am hopeful. but I dare not elude myself into thinking that such hope would be reciprocated

I sit here in tears for what feels like the umpteenth time, filled with anything but the topic. I am lacking in initiative, in conviction, in any sort of certainty except that I need to escape. I need to escape the enveloping feeling of being alone, of being secondary–obsolete. I have lost my usefulness and it is only now that I can fully appreciate how unnecessary I am. I thank you, however, for showing me the light.

Prosperous. It's what we all aspire, isn't it? In my more selfish moments I care not for the prosperity of those outside my social circle. Of those who are not family. For above all, above the prosperity of others and above my own prosperity, the success of my family– true family, that is– is what I prize above all else. Selfish or not, I can't help the superiority that I hold my family to, be they related by blood or otherwise.

My mind works in a series of umbrellas. Most people are familiar with an umbrella term, right? Well, each thought threatens to open up a horrid can of malicious worms. Everything is a cluster of pessimistic, negative thoughts and it takes merely a raindrop to set it all off.

I'm sinking. Faster than a belt of weights. Funny thing is, those serve the purpose to that which I am trying to avoid. Add weight to yourself and feel your limbs relax as the water consumes you and all you ever were. All you ever could be. Sink with closed eyes and let it all go.

Is it possible to miss what you've never had? Forgive me, for that is not quite what I mean. To add to that, the entire matter is rhetorical. Although it would probably help the issue of confusion if I were to clear things up one matter at a time. Firstly, the proper question is, Is it possible to miss what you've never physically had but is yours nonetheless? Secondly, the answer: Yes. It is painfully possible to do so. Thirdly, the subject at hand. The girl that lives oh so far away from me yet holds the entirety of my heart all the same. Yes, this girl is sorely missed. Make a query with my pillows for how often I go to bed in tears.

Sometimes I feel like I need a manager for my life. The job requirements are: Being able to handle my worries. Because, frankly and speaking introspectively, I worry way too much. About things that will likely never happen. So if there were anyone up for that particular, melodramatic challenge, I'll leave my P.O. Box up for grabs.

There comes a point when it all comes to a boiling, as they say. Similar to coming to an edge. We all have those points though some of us, myself certainly included, prefer not to admit it. Everyone has those days. Some are just worse than others. And today just happens to be one of those days- where things come to a boiling and you just kind of plop off the edge.

wings

I wish I had wings. To fly to you. You consume my waking thoughts and my dormant dreams. At the forefront of my mind and in the hidden files of my headcase is where you make your abode. And because of my constant pondering of you and all you are to me, I just wish to be able to grow wings and fly to you. Close the gap between us and be together. Fucking RedBull you're so full of shit.

step

Step by step. Baby steps. That's what people expect. But what happens when you lose all feeling and self control? What can you do when you can't stop yourself from leaping instead of stepping? Who said stepping is the right way to do things? Perhaps there is no need for stepping when you can empower yourself with a leap of faith. Perhaps the answer to all we innately seek is in that simple act- A leap. Not a step. A leap. So now what? Leap.

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writing since 2011 · 17 entries · 17 days shown up

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on this day 15 years ago

you wrote about ill
“Precisely how I feel. Almost as if the life has been sucked out of me through the veins that branch beneath my skin, just a touch away. Ill of the mind to be even considering the thoughts that fl…”

the words you reach for

mindstickmatterleapfamilyscreamtearsmeanthoughtsanswernowstepyourselfsteppingpossibleprosperity