alb29325
Religious issues triggered early. I didn't know whether to believe the tale or believe my gut. One thing I know for sure: We aren't the only thing out here. There is something bigger, much bigger, than just us. There has to be.
I was fake and he fell for it. I was never really me. I wanted someone to hold me, to save me, to make me better. I was so selfish. I never let him in because I was afraid but I let him let me in. I let him make me feel wanted. I was a terrible person. I let him believe that I was in love with him when I was really in love with the idea of him. I was a decoy. I hate myself for it.
They say that home is where the heart is. I thought my home was a happy place filled with laughter and joy. Then I grew up; opened my eyes to the truth. Joyous was not the word for my house. There is no word for it simply because it does not feel like home anymore.
It was my fault. All my fault. I could not begin to list the reason's why. Maybe because there weren't any. I am not to blame. It is not my fault. He is the one who ruined everything. He is the one who played me and ruined my teenage years with his silly little talks of forever. Maybe it's his fault for that or mine for being naive enough to believe him.
Up high. That's where you put my heart. So high I wouldn't dare look down. I know if I see the ground from up here I'm going to fall. I can't fall. Not again.
Crazy. Insane. That's what they call me. So what if I was in the psychiatric wing for two and a half weeks? So what if I am dealing with my depression in my own ways? Fuck you all who think I'm crazy because I need help. I'm not strong, I can't do this on my own. Frenzy, that's my life.
I don't even know what that word means. I don't know what a lot of things mean. I can't fathom my thoughts into actions because I don't know what they could possibly mean. The truth is... I'm afraid of the unknown.
Home for me is a starry sky, a pair of mud boots and a good playlist banging in my ears. He was home for me as well. Because I like people who smile when it's raining. Like him. He smiled at thunderstorms. I loved him, he loved someone else. She doesn't even care that he smiles when it's raining or that he runs his hands through his hair at just the right time or that he always smells of laundry detergent and fresh cut grass. She doesn't care but for me, it's everything.
Cast out to sea. We were alone together. The waves were rocking us back and forth, the sunset in one direction and the beach in the other. Beautiful like he. He smiled at me gently and pointed at the sharks in the distant water before pushing me in to face my death.
My feelings for him were launched into the air. I couldn't help the way they spilled out of my mouth when I was around him. I just couldn't hep it. He looked down upon me, frowned and threw me away like I was nothing. Those feelings, they were real. He was. I don't know anymore. I give up.
load more entries
writing since 2013 · 12 entries · 11 days shown up
each square is a day—lit means Alex. showed up.
3longest streak
11days written
1.9entries / week
the words Alex. reaches for
heartlovehomesignednameinkfaultbelievebeautifulsmiledwordskinbluekissedstaineddrew