foost21

foost21

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polo

Marco, I shouted. Polo, my dreams replied. All I needed was to follow that sound, that slow steady beat of my heart, but fear of disappointment and failure haunted me every single day (not to mention the inevitable debt I would fall into). Vet school was my dream. Saving lives and valuing lives of helpless animals. My fear was strong, but my determination is much stronger.

never

I never though life would be like this. I had idolized the future, but every day that I go, I realize that it's going to be a long and tedious task to follow my dreams. Years of struggling will hopefully lead to years of success. But what do we measure success as? Money? Love? Family? Happiness? Our society's definition doesn't make sense to me. Do I go against the flow of drones or turn around and fight the current?

gust

A gust of wind made the wisps of her hair go in her eyes. He smiled and gently wiped them away. Slowly, he lowered his head and kissed her. She had been waiting for this moment since the first time they saw each other. Waiting was probably one of the best decisions of her life.

I stared at the mountainous landscape, just taking in the vastness and surreality of everything around me. It was so beautiful it took my breath away and even distracted me long enough to truly relax and not think about my life. I was so sick of the what ifs, the future, and the past. I knew it was time to live in the present and take every day as its own... it's just so hard with so much expectation placed on your shoulders. I was sure that soon enough my knees were going to buckle just as the earth will after years of pressure and destruction. It may be slow and arduous process, but eventually it will no longer be able to stand.

I fought for what we had, but him, he seemed to care less, always too busy with his friends and or just completely stolid towards me. He was never able to fully let go of himself and completely fall for me. There were constant walls with him. All I needed to see was that he was willing to rely, lean on, and need me in his life, yet I felt that that would never happen. I've tried so many times to get him to let me in. It's just to the point that being stuck on the outside is cruel punishment, slowly and torturously breaking my heart.

I used to think that our love was miraculous, a love chosen by the gods. Yet, the longer we stayed together the quicker that amazing feeling dissipated. It was to the point where everything was fake and forced. I no longer knew what was real and what was fake. I hid my true feelings, thinking that a some point the right time will come to talk about it. Yet, the right time never came. It was as if I was trapped in this jail we call love and there was no way to escape.

I can no longer withhold from grabbing him and screaming, "I need more, I need to feel wanted and needed." It has almost become impossible, as our communication degrades our relationship has become a sunken pit of fake emotions. Yet, I can't let go, knowing how it used to be and craving that same feeling again. How do I know what to do? I know I deserve better, but I don't have the strength to leave, the strength to make a change.

"Happy Belated Birthday!"everyone shouted. I just stood there and blushed. Attention is not something I want much of, I'd rather spend a quiet day relaxing alone. But, since everyone thinks birthdays are such a big deal, I need to put on the fake smile and pretend I'm not missing him today. Nighttime will be the time I can mourn and feel the loss of him yet again. It never seems to get any easier...

I wondered if the success would compensate the years I worked and sacrificed. It's so easy to lose sight in what matters... But I guess that's what happens when you want to change the world and leave an impact on those that follow you. With a world full of so many shadow people, we need some to step out in the light to lead the way.

The starlit path was all I could see, everything else was surrounded by darkness. As I walked, I knew it was taking all the faith in me not to turn back to what I knew. This path was the only way to finally escape the clutches of the known and find a way into the unfamiliar. The unfamiliar to many is terrifying, but to me it's a world of endless possibilities.

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writing since 2011 · 90 entries · 90 days shown up

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on this day 15 years ago

foost wrote about force
“The force of his strength was unbelievable. The thought that he was able to pick me up like a rag-doll and toss me around terrified me, but at the same time it excited me. It made me feel vulnerable…”

the words foost reaches for

lovenowhappinesshearteyesslowlygirlfacelongersometimesbodyfeelingsuccessfinallyfakesmile