lilldeh
He was the devil. He stole things from you that you never knew could be taken. But he never lied. He told you the first night you met him, how he would steal your heart, your life, your sanity, your soul. So you can't help but wonder, did he really steal it or did you give it to him?
You tried to bound me into these 4 walls, this square and I guess I kind of let you. And maybe thats why you stopped, just completely stopped. Because I stopped being me so, you stopped being you. It makes sense. I warned you thought, I told you. I'm not good at relationships, I become this weird version of myself. You didn't listen and wanted me anyway. I guess I'm just trying to figure out who's fault this is, mine or yours.
He believed in art and she believed in science. Thats where the disparity in their love grew from.
He spent the entire night avoiding me and staring at me from across the room. When I finally corned him and drunkly demanded to know why he decided to kiss me and then avoid me, he put his hand on my cheek and smiled. He told me he liked me, too much and I was damaged. But that was okay, he understood. He told me I was too damaged and afraid for what we could do together, what we could be. So he was going to wait until I had fucked some boys, drank too many glasses of wine, cried over a toilet and broken some hearts. He was going to wait until I was okay and then he would kiss me, again. He told me I was too damaged for us to be together and he wanted me more than life and he would wait for me, wait until I could do this and not ruin it. I started at him, he kissed my cheek and walked out of the room and back to the party where he continued to leave stare at me and avoid me.
The first time you kissed me was on those steps. That was a year ago. Yesterday you cried to me on those steps and apologized.
We never went anywhere on that old sailboat but we sure did make love on it.
Its there, I promise. I have a heart, you just can't see it. Its behind those walls, nice and safe.
I missed them completely, the signs. The signs that it's over, its coming to a close. I was completely blindsided by it. And fuck did that hurt. Now I'm happy and I think everything is a sign. I think everything is the beginning of the end, that this will be the last moment I'll be happy because the next time I blink, it will all be over. He's being patient and good but I'm pushing him away. I'm just so afraid of the fall, the drop, the impact of the cold ground against my warm, delicate heart.
These affairs of the heart, are making me nauseous.
They said this is how these things usually begin. With nausea and a heavy heart, but it gets better. Love eventually feels good they said.
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writing since 2010 · 50 entries · 49 days shown up
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