sleepyhead11
She can't see any of his smudges.
I'm really trying hard not to see them.
I want to think hes a good person like she does.
But mostly i hope that she doesn't have smudges.
I want to like them and not be offended by them.
I want to respect their opinion.
I want to think better of them.
I don't want this burning feeling inside of me everytime they show their smudges.
Wheat
Feeling Wholesome
Like im getting all my nutrients
Like maybe ill exercise today
I'll take the stairs today
I'll shave my legs today
No desert today
I'll be outside today
I'll walk the dog today
The principal of it.
Im whining. I keep forming all these principals.
i want to tell my boyfriend i love him
cuz it feels like its bursting out of me everytime im with him
and i love him. But im afraid he wont say anything back
just because i says he doesnt know how to put things into words
so he shows me in other ways
but i just dont always speak that language
and i might over react and cry because i dont want to love someone that doesnt love me back again
especially not isaac.
i tell him to tell me how he feels and he just says he cant put it into words.
Every time im not with him i just want to say it more and ive never really felt this way about someone before
but ive read lots of books and heard stories and watched movies and i know what it all looks like but to feel it.
i see myself going through all the things im supposed to go through im living up to all the principals of love.
My Crew
Lydia and henry and adam
We go swimming together
to beaches
to parties
we eat doughnuts
we watch weird movies like Sweet Hostage
we walk around
we go shopping
When we're together i feel secure, like im with my crew
idk they are just the first thing i thought of when the word crew came up
other than a crew neck, lydia loves that cut
lemme lend him something. thats it. leave something at his place, then find a reason to get bubble tea together. Be more forgetful, more generous. forget only the car keys and cell phone charger, lend him all the things that you'll "need" back eventually. Give him sugar and give him rides to work.
Hallowed.
Had to google it. To honor as holy.
My sweater is holy. As in it has slots of holes in it. As in its damp from the rain some people would call holy water. Hallowed, i don't think i hold anything sacred anymore. Except some people. they're holy. Some moments are holy, but only with the rosy glasses of memory. i keep thinking of the time that i skipped school to go to the cemetery. and it was so stupid and i was sitting next to a guy who came with a lawn chair. I figured he'd been there before because he came prepared. And i was a junior and thought that i was special and deep and that math class couldn't teach me anything about life. And i lied in the sun there above my grandparents grave and wondered if they could feel the sun too. I was never close to them. I couldn't imagine a conversation that we would have. I just remember them picking rhubarb in our back yard and sitting on grandpas knee and not wanting to be there.grandma feeding us stale buegals. I remember it taking them a really long time to get in and out of chairs. And laughing at things that i didn't understand like wigs and dentures. I don't know if that moment in the cemetery was hallowed or just me trying to recreate a scene in misunderstood teen indie film. But i did do my math homework when i was there and i never went back again, because i didn't want to know the name of the guy in the lawn chair. I didn't want to realize that i should of brought a lawn chair.
Puddle. Its weird how certain words make you feel certain ways. and the context is always important. A puddle could be a lake depending on the feet splashing in it. I feel like I'm treading water in a little puddle of a conversation. Only hanging on a few words "Hadley, i think you do." Hanging on to the some certainty that he shouldn't have given me. The worst part is that he started out with my name, like i couldn't even pretend later that he was actually just talking to someone else in the room or to the fish bowl or the lamp. I have to learn to stop falling into puddles. Or at least the same puddle over and over and it just gets deeper and deeper. When will i get to the ocean. When will i be able to mention him without someone saying "Hadley, do you think you still have feelings for him?" and when will i be able to say "no" and mean it. And mean it enough to not have this conversation anymore.
She said it felt like she just caught a bunch of pins a needles in her hand. Like she just saw then falling and that was her first reaction. Don't let them fall. She covers her hands with band aids that she found in the back of her cupboard and the sticky is a little dissolved. When you ask her what happen she smiles and ands says "just catching pins and needles. " like they fall out of the sky like rain and she was just trying to catch a drop on her tongue. nothing to worry about. its just nature. our hands are always trying to catch things. even pins and needles. Even people who's eyes only feel like pins and needles.
heart ache
come one
this is the topic....
i imagine once this 30 seconds is over I'm gonna see letters like love and heart and breathing and some description about how they share the same body parts but not like genitals, like bones.
There will be a description about the scent that someone left behind on their sheets.
Then there will be some kind of image of breaking or cracking or somehow feeling like there is a right and left, right and wrong part of you that there wasn't before.
Some one relating to glue and popsicle sticks and feeling like falling.
someone ripping knives out of backs.
maybe someone with a sense of humor and always thinks that THIS time, THIS time they eat spagettio's they won't get heart burn, heartache.
and someone will have just been broken up with and be freaked out that one-word somehow took the only word in their head and put in front of them. How no matter what the word was they would of somehow related it hack to the feeling in their chest. i always think it feels like when you eat a bagel too fast. choked and swollen.
someone will have just gotten into a new relationship and think of heartache as only a thing of the past. Can look at it with nostalgia, like window shopping, like a charm bracelet.
Someone will look at the topic and not write anything because there isn't any way to type out silent screaming except for the space bar. so they'll just hold it down until they feel like there is enough space between heartache and themselves.
Someone's will tell their spouse say thank you for never reminding them of what this word means.
Someone will be me and actually laugh out loud at the fact that this word heartache is sitting at the top of this page and how everyone knows what it feels like but thinks they are the only one experiencing it. Heartache is just a condition that makes you feel like you are on a completely different frequency because your radio is broken.
And you haven't watched a romantic comedy in four months because you already have that ball in the back of your throat.
Splash i think I'm supposed to think summer and pool and chlorine stained hair. Stinging eyes. I only want to ever think of these things. I want my life to only consist of bathing suits, stubbed toes from the concrete around the pool and popsicle stains. I only want to be in water. I want the water to slap me in the face so i know this is real. Splash me
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