terradi
It started with just one cat. Couldn't resist and I was lonely at home ... plus it was just me so why not get a bit of company? And then I had work and they seemed so lonely so of course I had to get them a buddy. Then ... and then there was this stray that just looked so lonely ... and then my neighbor's cousin was moving and had to leave their cat behind and ... well, just one more wasn't going to be too much of a push, right?
I may have gotten myself into more than I bargained for.
Plop!
The sound, unmistakable and all wet-squelchy feeling fills me with dismay. Usually I know better, usually I don't head out for lunch, and certainly usually I know better than to get something with condiments on it where a splash or a careless spray is a possibility. Not on a work day.
I take a breath and look down, assessing the damage.
Mustard on white.
Not my best work, that's for certain. Though maybe with a bit of cold water or a strategically-buttoned jacket no one will notice back at the office.
The smile I wear is etched on my face. Fine and taut and delicate. I wear it and I hold my breath, hoping that it doesn't shatter. Because if this smile comes down, if this facade that I have constructed that tells everyone I am fine comes down, I don't know what happens next or how I proceed.
There isn't room, not in your world for who I am without that mask on. And so I hold onto it and hope it stays intact for another day.
It's more of a sometimes thing than anything else. It's not like I need it. No, really, I'm okay without it. Or at least I'm pretty sure that I'm okay. Not needed. Not addicted. Not necessary. Just fun. Yeah ... just fun. I'm okay. I'mokayI'mokayI'mokay. Pleaseletmebeokay. I'm NOT okay. I'm not okay. I want to stop but I don't know how to.
Can't. Breathe. The crush of people around me closes in. Can't breathe. Can't think. Too many bodies. Too much pressure. Too many casual breaths and glances. Too many people looking away and pretending that we're not in touching distance. That we're not casually touching.
I need out I need out I need out I need out.
Dear gods. Why do people take subways? Why do they do it every day?
Belief, I tell myself, is the thing that matters most. Not what I came here with, not what everyone keeps telling me my future is destined to be -- but belief in my ability to do this, to be this, and to become this thing I have decided I want to become.
I can do this, I tell myself.
This is within my grasp.
I take a deep breath and sit down, pencil in hand, ready for the final test.
So many things to put in, so little space. Buckets feel like a metaphor for life sometimes. I am surrounded by endless possibilities, endless things that I could make happen, but I only have so much space and then I am out.
I think I need a bigger bucket, but they appear to be in short supply.
The bars are not real. I know that, though I feel them brush against my skin as I strive to move forward once more. The bars are only in my mind. He was kind enough to explain that to me as he departed, leaving me to my fate. And yet knowing they are not there is different than actually breaking through them. Feeling the slap of hard metal against my skin, the crushing of nerves until all is agony is enough to keep me back.
The bars are not real. But they still seem to be real enough to serve their purpose.
I listen because that is the safest way. Not to get ahead as we once believed it might be. But simply to survive. Listening, following orders. Not questioning or thinking too much. All of these are things the Executives favor. All of these are things which help to increase our chances of survival.
Of course, nothing is complete or absolute. There is always the chance that by whim or cruelty they may take action, simply to remind us all that the fear is alive.
That is why today I choose another way; another path. That is why today I rebel.
This is the way it has always been. The way it always will be.
These are the words used to brick people in; to chain them to things they don't like. To justify the unjustifiable when logic cannot be used. These are the words used to ignore sense and rationality for the sake of emotion, primal and unreasoning.
These are the words that hem me in.
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writing since 2012 · 153 entries · 152 days shown up
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