fightingdemons
you'd think that by now
i've already learned my lesson
but i guess i haven't
i still have the tendency
to let my walls down
a little too quickly
and i still fall a little too hard
i don't show it though
i think i put way too much faith, trust, and time
into people who don't deserve any at all
small yet fatal mistakes
in the end
i'm always the one the one who loves more
and cares more
who still cares
i'm always the one left wounded
left behind
left to die
I think the worst part about all this
is that I don't even know what I did wrong.
I don't even know what I did to deserve this.
Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy.
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.
Maybe I was destined to be miserable.
Maybe I'm cursed.
you've murdered me mentally and emotionally
you've killed my stability along with my sanity
but i'm the one who's being punished
hey dad, how have you been?
oh, i'm doing alright, i guess.
it's been hard, you know?
everybody keeps telling me that things will get better,
that eventually it'll get easier.
it all just sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.
it's been nearly ten years,
and it feels like things just get harder as each day passes by.
i hope things are treating you well wherever you are.
and i hope i'll be able to see you soon.
visit my dreams again sometime soon, will you?
i love and miss you lots.
and i'm so sorry i didn't learn to appreciate you until you were gone.
i guess what they say is true;
you don't actually realize what you have until it's gone.
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
i wish i'd been a better daughter.
I hate having to make choices.
This or that?
I don't know, I can't choose.
My confidence is so low, I feel like every choice I make is wrong.
I hate having a low sense of self-worth.
I hate being so insecure.
I hate hating myself.
I wish I were able to see what would have happened if I had picked the other choice instead.
Just so I can see if I made the right choice,
the ideal choice.
Don't you?
People always tend to relate the size of somebody's waist to their beauty.
I don't understand why.
How big someone is doesn't necessarily change how beautiful they are.
People come in different size and shapes, and nobody's perfect.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Just because something isn't beautiful to you, doesn't mean it isn't beautiful to somebody else.
Society's perception of perfection is tragically flawed.
i think in the end,
everybody regrets the chances they didn't take.
the relationships they were scared to have,
the decisions they took too long to make,
and the good night kisses they didn't steal.
we regret not talking to the seemingly perfect boy in biology
or asking the girl of our dreams to prom.
life's too short for regrets,
so we should live and take risks while we can.
a wise person once told me,
"it's better to be able to say 'oh well' rather than 'what if'."
She grabs the razor blade and places it on her wrist.
She slides it across her already scarred skin.
The feel of the cold metal slicing through her epidermis.
The river of red forming along her forearm.
Instant gratification.
Finally, she feels bliss.
Many nights, like tonight, I wonder why I have been placed upon this earth.
I am not intelligent nor beautiful.
I have no special talents.
Sure, I participate in a few sports and arts, but I don't exceed in any of them.
I'm mediocre.
I'm ordinary.
Plain.
Boring.
Useless.
Worthless.
I have nothing to offer.
I'm just a waste of air, space, and time.
Tell me then, why has someone like me been placed here?
The amount of time I spend thinking about you is just...crazy.
You're on my mind when I wake up.
You're there when I'm about to sleep.
When I'm out shopping,
When I'm conversing with friends,
When I'm watching a movie or listening to music,
You somehow find your way back onto my train of thought.
You even pop up in my dreams sometimes.
You've spent an awful lot of time inside my head.
But why?
Don't my thoughts scare you?
They sure as hell scare me.
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writing since 2012 · 16 entries · 15 days shown up
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