meganmarier
A trench. A muddy hole in the ground. A place where I hide with my gun. Cold. Dark. Scary. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Hope a bomb doesn't explode. Hoping a bullet doesn't shatter my face. Funny, how scared I am to die, since death seems like a better option than this all encompassing anxiety of war. Can't we just get it over with? Instead I have to wait for death, wondering when it will come.
Smoothly, I bring my arm back. I aim, and whack the ball. Hard. I grunt, step back and brace myself for the next blow. The next ball zoooms past me at 100 mph and and I whack it back with my racket. This game is repetitive and calming.
Sometimes, I just want to chat. No other expectations. I just want to talk. Why do I have to have an alternative goal in mind? There is no other motive. I just want to hear your voice. I want to feel comfortable. I want to be able to say anything about anything, without feeling threatened or judged. I don't want anything. I don't need anything. No expectations. I just want an honest, comfortable conversation with someone I care about. I do NOT want a favor. You owe me nothing. I just want to chat, mainly because I miss the way it used to be...
Life is so tedious. Everything is always being emptied and it just needs to be replaced. The fridge is emptied when we eat, the trash is emptied when we fill it, the dishwasher is emptied once we load it, and the cycle continues on.
Convicts. The real challenge is loving convicts. So many people say they want to work with children. So many people say they want to work with animals. So many people want to be doctors and nurses. They want to work in professions that help and serve the deserving. But who will love the convicts? This is the most challenging question of all, because convicts need the most help. Yet, they remain relatively neglected, and this is who society fails the most...
Smile. Brace yourself. Lose weight. Get straight A's. Finish college early. Work the perfect job, 40 hours a week, $50 an hour salary. Smile more. Date beautiful men, men who have lots of money. Doctors or lawyers. Teach. Inspire. Love. Embrace life. Wear makeup. Dye your hair. Never feel pain. Never accept less then perfect.. Be strong. Be perfect. In essence, transform everything about myself, so I can an acceptable person...
A monkey. Phantom of the Opera. Billy Joel. The Lion King. Big Ben. Rainbow Fish. Duckies. London. Winnie the Pooh. A kitten. Wicked. Each an inside joke, or something to make me smile. The thing at the end of the day that reminds me to keep going, because of all the cool things I know. Posters are what make my walls not white, and the things that show that my mind is equally cluttered and colorful.
Scorn. Distaste. Distrust. I used to love her so very much. She used to be a friend. Then she changed. I wish she would smile, or laugh, or tell me something happy. Now I just feel disappointed and maybe a little bitter because. All she does is mock her friends or coworkers and it is so exhausting to have a friend like that.
Belief. Believe. Believe that you will be alright. Believe that you are worthwhile. Believe that you can achieve wonderful things. Believe that God loves you. Believe that God has plans for a reason. Believe that everything will get better. Believe that you can move on. Without beliefs, you will be just as miserable tomorrow as you were yesterday and you are today.
What do you know? What can you tell me? Can you correctly format a paper? Can you complete a fill in the blank exam? Can you speak in public? What are the professional best practices? Can you debate? Can you prove a thesis? College is one, huge, demonstration of knowledge...
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