nevernot
"If I die young". There are different ways to progress forward upon the track we are all running. Different speeds, different angles. But I suppose it is not so much in the method, but more, what are we running for?
Why do I even bother writing? Yes, there is the unexplictable draw of my fingers to the keyboard. The urning in my chest to put words to what is so often unexpressed. But I do not know, it seems I am always falling beneath something, thoughts, fears, opinions, the next passing car.
Only one can satisfy. And that is a hard lesson to learn. And an even harder one to abide with. Jesus, saviour, will satisfy every need. The answer isn't found in anything else, love Him, and your life will be complete.
I would like to be somebody than to carry the burden of this name. I would rather be able to float by silently in the background, than to be permanently tied to my family that only maims. Oh, the power and the slavery that comes with a name.
Forming a future and a path for yourself out of nothing but the ground laid before you and a bit of thin air is a daunting task to say the least. I could be an adventurer and write about honesty, and things that often go unnoticed in the world, or I could be an engineer and make a difference and change the world, and maybe I should be pursuing something completely different from those two things. But maybe, just maybe, those options don't have to be separate entities, but different tellings of the same story which is and will be my life.
I am spent. I'm done with all of this, all of it. It's time to go, it's time to smash everything I once knew, it's time to leave, hopefully there will soon be time to love. I am spent, Lord help me repent.
Courage. What is it? Most don't know, or maybe we just fear the fact that it is a strong and humble force raging just below the surface in all of us. Or maybe we are all just mistaken, unable to acknowledge what courage really looks like. For no, often it is not the force that stands nobly and roars loudly, but it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow.
I feel inconsistent. It's always them, and me. And I guess I've always counted that as a bad thing, but maybe it's not. After all, the road to greatness is narrow, traveled by few, and often walked alone. Either way, it is well with my soul.
Failure. I refuse to sink to your level, but COME ON. I just can't win. Simple as that, I can be admired, sometimes, I can move on, I can be great. But never it feels, will I find a fit. I have no place in this world. I feel like I am cut from a different cloth than most, and that inhibits two things, truly connecting with many, and the avoidance of endless rivers of hate. Beauty.
What is there to learn from this world? That is the first question. For no matter what we want to impart upon others, we must first learn and accept it for ourselves. There are not many greater blessings to learn, or to be given the privilege to teach.
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writing since 2012 · 40 entries · 37 days shown up
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