zoejenr
We were at arms' length, but we couldn't be any more apart. I find myself pleading, trying to delay the inevitable. His eyes, which used to be longing for me, are now vacantly staring ahead. Maybe he's looking at an array of possibilities, a blank canvass to start over upon. Suddenly I'm not part of the picture anymore.
It was supposed to go full circle. We would stay together, and we'll withstand the trials together. You were not supposed to be on that bar that Thursday night, and suddenly reconnect with a past love supposedly over and done with. Now I'm left alone desperately trying to reach you, struggling to pretend our perfect little circle remains when in fact I'm just stringing along the radius, with no one to meet me halfway.
It was the golden hour, and her champagne dress flowed all around the floor. They have never seen a debutante this charming, so intoxicated with happiness and brimming with the future's possibilities.
She wasn't supposed to question it, nor think about it. It was tradition after all--her ancestors, grandparents, even her own parents' marriage was fixed. It's also not as if she has someone else she loves. But to actually be in a loveless union, to mechanically go about family life, and for years on end, how can she possibly stomach the thought?
She coats her cynicism with those sweet, cloying words that make her seem all the more alluring. Yet when all alone, stripped down, and bare, she's actually just as desperate as everyone else.
His pointed finger was always on me, no matter how much I keep trying to make amends. It will never happen again, I whisper over and over to myself more than to him, despite knowing fully that he can never trust me and look at me as before. I pray everyday that we see if continuing this relationship has truly been worth it. After all, once paranoia sets in, how can you possibly get back your peace of mind?
Summers at my hometown always give me nostalgia. The long drives in our family van, with the sweltering heat irritating us despite the faulty AC cranking its lowest possible temperature setting. Lazy afternoons where we would just lie on the grass and not give a care at all. That quaint town has always been boring then, but it's the only respite I look forward to now.
My life is so mapped out, it's almost laughable. I was the girl who always had a plan, who had every possible back-up and contingency. I prided myself in being prepared. When the structures and machinations suddenly turned against me, I was sure I am adept to handle it. I was so, very, too sure, which made me crumble all the more when I finally realized I was wrong.
It was a break for a reason. It's high time I reassess my individuality, and let go of this blind notion that we were a team. The relationship was turning dysfunctional, even though I tried so hard to carry on regardless. And I guess this exactly was the problem, only I was carrying on. I badly needed to regroup my thoughts, alone, as they seem to have turned to mush as of late.
I keep on fumbling to find my way through the darkness, but I am getting so weary. I am afraid that I have already exhausted all my efforts to no avail. Is this really where I'm meant to be, lost and confused and very lonely?
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writing since 2016 · 31 entries · 31 days shown up
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